The only entry in Clubs Deuce's diary
by Last-Summoner
Summary: Diary entry, describing one day of Clubs Deuce's life. Hints on different pairings.


Hello, my dear diary (I guess I should call you that?). I decided to write you because yesterday Hearts Boxcars invited me to his room and gave me one of his journals to read. He probably wanted to read it with me and was very agitated about it, but boss called him out and Hearts cursed as he went to talk to boss. But I read the journal anyway and some articles were fine, I guess. Very interesting. But there were also a lot of pictures of naked women on every page, so I had to read all the text very quickly in order to not get distracted.

Anyway, there was a psychological article that said it's very useful for a persons mental health or something – to write a diary I mean – so that's why I'm doing this in the first place. I guess I already have enough of mental health, but some extra is never useless. I could store it for later or maybe share with Slick. He could sure use some of that.

Anyway, I got up at 7 am to cook everyone breakfast. Slick once made a duty list for this stuff, and we all were supposed to make breakfast by turn, but seems like it's always my turn now. I guess that maybe we're in some kind of time paradox? Or in a spin-off timeline where no one cooks meals but me? Well, I guess I'm okay with that.

What was I talking about... oh, yeah. **9 am**, and everyone has finally got up and we ate. Droog said he can't eat eggs anymore since the last encounter with Felt and, you know, Eggs. Slick came into the room and made such a dirty joke I don't even want to write it down. Droog spilled his juice, and then wanted to stab Slick with a plastic fork (I had to hide all the real forks, knives and even spoons after **THAT ACCIDENT**). I had to calm them down. Droog didn't finish his breakfast and left to his room. Thanks God we're not in our secret hideout, because when you don't have a separate room for yourself I guess it makes you kinda nervous and angry. Maybe that's why Slick is always angry when we're in our hideout. Or maybe he's always angry when we're indoors. Or maybe he's just always angry... Anyway, having your own room is nice. I hope you understand, diary.

**10 am.** Hearts ate his breakfast and asked me if I looked at the journal he gave me yesterday. I said thank you it was very useful, and I'm already using some advise from there. He seemed to be excited about that and asked me if I want to maybe come to him today to discuss it with him. I said okay, because that's what I do – I do what is okay.

Maybe there's some article I missed, and he wanted to show it to me. Hmm.

**11 am.** Droog seemed kind of upset (it's really hard to say what he feels or thinks sometimes because his face is always the same). Well back then he seemed more serious then usual. I asked him if I can do something. He told me to please go and mind my business. Well, I could do that.  
>Then I met Slick who anxiously circled the house. He asked told me to go and do some shopping because we're out of food. That's very true, because we've been having fried eggs and bacon (cooked by me) for a whole week already, and I can't blame Droog for hating them. Slick told me to go with Droog and Boxcars because he has important business to take care of. Well, he's the boss, I guess, he must take care of serious business. More serious then food, I mean, that's what we are for. When he says things like that it frightens me a little, so I just don't ask him. He also gave me two notes and said that one is for me (a shopping list, I assume) and one is a note to Droog (he called him a 'stubborn pain in the ass', but I'm not sure if it's a correct sentence).<p>

**2 pm.** It took us so long to get to the market because the traffic was horrible. The line of cars was like a mile long. I was okay with that, but Boxcars got very angry because of waiting, took Droog's place on the driving seat and rode the car out on the walking street. There were people everywhere and I was so scared he's going to ride over someone I closed my eyes. I heard Droog saying: "Look, that's one of the Felt goons!". Then our car sharply ran into something and I hit the back of the front seat with my forehead. "There he goes", - smirked Boxcars. I wanted to know nothing about it, because that was definitely not okay.

**2.30 pm.** We finally got into the market. I collected the shopping list to check out the items. Then I passed Droog Slick's note. He looked at it with a (rather) confused expression and returned it to me. It was a shopping list consisting of licorice and whiskey. I read the note I left to myself. It said that I must come to Slick's room at 7 pm to discuss my public behavior and egg problems. Not that I have problems with those, but I guess Slick knows better. That was a pretty strange invitation, but boss is the boss.  
>Everyone's shopping lists were very different. Boxcars wanted stakes and a whole bunch (like, all the possible issues) of fancy magazines like 'Red Cheeks'. I had nothing on my mind except eggs and bacon, maybe because that's the only thing we kept having for breakfast (and dinner and supper and... every other meals if there even are other). So Droog had to take everything. Droog is always so reasonable. Maybe someday I'll have the nerve to ask him what's his secret. Maybe it's because of the tie. He's the only one with the tie in our crew.<br>I took myself some eggs and bacon nonetheless, because I guess they're okay.  
>I saw some Felt members driving a cart full of stuff at the other end of the row, but I decided not to tell anyone about it. I guess shopping is shopping, and no one has to be distracted with killing.<p>

**4 pm.** We've spent another hour standing in the queue to the cash desk. The cause of the whole thing was that slow Felt number, Doze, who has been laying out his buyings on the cash register at a very, VERY slow pace. That guy is sure amazing, in a way.

Boxcars asked Droog if that was the one we've hit. Droog said he's not sure. Then Hearts threw a can of instant coffee into his head, and Doze fell face-down on the floor. "Now that's surely the one we've hit", - he said. We payed and took our food to the car while the Doze guy tried to stand up. He could probably succeed if he wasn't in his weird stasis again.

**6 pm.** We could have been home earlier then that if it wasn't the Felt. They were waiting for Doze in their van outside the shop, but they noticed our car and Crowbar used his crowbar to break all the windows in it. Slick's going to kill us. We tried to stop them, but they quickly started the car and rode away. I threw a random card after their van, and it turned into a whole bunch of C4 right in the air, half-way to they car. It didn't reached them, though, and fell on the ground. Nothing happened. Boxcars loudly damned it's stability. But it's okay though, I guess. They rode away.

When we came back home, we discovered that the Felt went straight here to get revenge on us or something? Anyway, when I entered the house, there was a whole bunch of green torsos everywhere, shouting and shooting their guns at us. Droog and Boxcars started to shoot and shout too, and the whole mess became totally unbearable. I went out to get our food out of the car.

**? pm.** I've just met myself on the way back to the house! The other me was a bit scared or something. Or just very VERY surprised about something. His clothes were a total mess. Everything seems to be messed up today. He told me not to except Boxcars invitation to his room to read journals. I was confused and said "Okay", and the other me disappeared. I guess I just created another time paradox. What am I supposed to do? I hope it doesn't harm anyone.

I met two Slicks on my way to kitchen. They both told me that I'm a moron and have to drop the food in order to kill some Felt. I said that someone must handle eggs, bacon and other stuff. They told me that I am supposed to handle Eggs and Biscuits and other stuff, but then one of the Slicks got his arm suddenly chopped off, and then he disappeared too. The other (original, I guess?) Slicks clothes became red with blood. He yelled a very angry bad word at someone I didn't see and started to weld his King of Spades in the air. I quietly left out to sort the food in the fridge.

When I came back, the house was empty and pretty much in the original shape, except for a total mess in the hallway and bullet holes in the walls. Droog had been fixing his tie. I asked him where did everyone go? He said that Felt remembered that they forgot Doze in the market and had to leave. I said oh. It's somehow 6 pm again, so I'm still going to be right on time at the meeting with boss.

**7 pm.** I came to Slick's room (I knocked first of course, I have manners) and saw him unbuttoning his shirt, standing with his back at me. He didn't see me first, and told me if I brought him whiskey. I said I didn't, but there's some in the kitchen so I can get it. He turned at me and his eyes kind of bulged from surprise and, I guess, fury. He asked me if I handled the note to Droog, and I answered 'of course', it was a shopping list. We bought everything he asked. Spades was very mad and yelled that I messed up the whole thing and switched the notes. He sent me out and smashed his door at me, and I could hear him screaming about my incompetence even in my own room. But I guess I deserve it. If only you could answer me, diary.

I CAN YOU STUPID IDIOT TOO MANY 'I GUESS'ES AND 'OKAY'S YOU SAPPY MORON GO THROW YOURSELF OUT OF THE WINDO...

Sorry, my dear diary. You've been kidnapped by Itchy. He disappeared at his super-speed before I had a chance to avenge you. He's been running at our house for hours already! What is he even doing here?

**9 pm.** Felt came back. It happened that when they left our house remembering that they forgot Doze at the market they've actually forgotten Itchy here, so they returned to grab him. I didn't really understand what happened because everyone started to yell and shoot again, but when Felt finally left again, I discovered that someone (probably Cans) emptied the whole fridge, leaving only a couple of eggs and a chewed slice of bacon. I guess I'm okay with that, though.

It's suddenly 6 am of the previous week's Friday! Those time shenanigans are just so annoying. I have to make breakfast again. I'm afraid I must abandon you, my dear diary, because I can't risk your (and mine) secrets be revealed by some Felt or whoever else that can read. Goodbye. I'll miss you.

P.S. This day was a total loss of time. I mean, the future week's day.


End file.
